This week you turned 2 and I can’t believe it’s been 2 years since we finally got to meet you and then 3 days later had to say goodbye to you. I can’t believe these 2 years have flown by so quickly.
The last few days it’s really hit me. All the emotion has caught up with me. Building up to your little brothers first birthday has brought it home how things should be with you. I know that sounds silly but it does. It might not make sense but it sort of does to me.
It’s so hard to know what to do to celebrate your birthday. It hurts being at home because you’re not here with us. So we went to Chester this year. We wanted to go away with your little brother and do things we’d all have done together.
We came to visit you before we left. We love bringing you balloons. 3 balloons, one from Mummy, Daddy and Reuben. It hurts so much going to your grave on your birthday. We should be being woken up bright and early by you. I’d give anything for that.
We went to an Aquarium and Reuben had so much fun. He loved looking at all the fish. I imagined you running around looking at everything. Would you want to be pushing Roo around, would you want to hold Mummy or Daddy’s hand walking round. I just know you’d have loved it there too.
We stayed over and then went to Chester Zoo. Another place that we should all be together. But somewhere fun that we know you’d love. It was so cold but your little bro was such a champ. He is starting to walk and it makes me imagine you running around. Would you be running off and having Daddy chase you? Would you be staying close to us? So many what ifs, so many stolen moments I wish we could have. So many memories I wish we could have. So many heartbreaking moments we can’t have.
We had a cake for you. We sang Happy Birthday to you. We blew out the candles and had a piece of cake thinking of you. Reuben was very fond of playing with the cake while it was still in the box. He’s such a cheeky chappy. I wonder if you’d be a cheeky little monkey too.
The days between your birthday and the day you died are always hard. They are tough. The emotion just fills up full like a lake. A state of limbo. Time just stands still like it did 2 years ago. Life is paused. Wondering how this happened and why this happened to us. It’s so hard not having you here with us baby girl.
The day we said goodbye is hard. An anniversary we just don’t like. The day 2 years ago when our world collapsed around us. Hopes and dreams ripped away.
It’s hard being at home because it’s Halloween. All the kids dressed up is a reminder that you’re not here and will never get to go trick or treating. We know your rainbow baby brother will want to take part in it when he’s older. We want him too it’s just hard because it’s such a sad day for us. We took the smallest step and bought him a cutest pumpkin top to wear.
I just can’t believe how quickly these 2 years have gone. I think about all the things we should have done together. I lay her and wonder what kind of girl you’d be growing into. A pretty amazing one just like your mummy. I lay here and wonder did I fail you in any way? Could I have done more for you?
All I know is that your are my amazing daughter and I’m so proud of how brave and strong you were and are. I know I will always miss you and forever love you.
Always in my thoughts and forever in my heart. Happy 2nd Birthday sweetheart
Love Daddy xxxx