Every so often I’ll have a sleepless night. Not because I just can’t sleep or that Reuben is keeping me awake. I’m just laying there thinking about all the broken dreams and hopes I have for Poppy. Wishing for her to be here with us and not looking down at us from the stars.
Just laying there staring at a Gro Egg, my mind drifting back to the darkest moment of my life.
Memories of beeping machines, warm lights,
windowless rooms and my beautiful daughter Poppy. There she was, laying there with wires running everywhere and looking as beautiful as her Mother. Fighting as hard as she could but sadly the fight was too great and we had to say goodbye. Why did it have to be goodbye, why can’t you still be here with us.
My mind wonders what our lives would be like with her with us. Would she and Reuben get along? Would she look like me or Emily? What kind of girl would she be growing into? Would she grow up loving Disney Princess and pop music? Would she be a Doctor, a sports star or an Olympic gold medalist. The dream of walking her down the aisle is shattered into a million pieces.
I’ll hear the odd plane flying over towards Leeds Bradford Airport wishing Poppy could be flying home to us, that the painful day almost 2 years ago was just a dream and she’ll be coming home one day. My broken heart beating in night with a hole so heavy at times it’s hard to imagine how we’ve got to where we are today.
All the dreams and hopes I had for Poppy swirl through my head. The thought that I couldn’t protect her from the tragedy that happened. Could I have done more? Could I have made a difference, could I have changed the outcome? Was I a poor Father to her for not being able to protect her.
Old songs play out on the radio. Now taking on a new meaning, hearing them in different contexts. Lyrics filling my head with thoughts of you. Lyrics making my mind think of the journey we are on. Reminding me how you and your brother are the greatest gifts I’ve been given in life along with your Mother. You light up the sky with your star shining so bright down on us. Guding me through the night till the sound of the dawn chorus brings the start of a new day without you.
Other sleepless nights can be reliving those 3 days with Poppy. Reliving them so I can be with you again, hold you in my arms again and kiss your little head. Holding onto those memories and remembering how incredibly brave and strong you were in those 3 days. How I vow to follow your lead and be brave and strong everyday without you. To be the best Daddy to you and Reuben. To make you proud of me.
So many broken dreams, so many memories we should be making together. Why did we have to say goodbye, why do I have to lay here wishing you were here. I have memories though, I was lucky to have 3 days with you and for that I am forever grateful. I know others don’t even get that. One day I will see you again and I know you are watching over us all.
Lights keep you in life and I have two bright lights sleeping next to me. My amazing, strong wife and our rainbow baby Reuben. Shining light into our lives, with one smile he can make my heart fill with joy. You are a gift from your big sister, a little treasure that I promise to protect.
Why do I write these posts, why do I talk to you through these words Poppy. It makes me feel close to you in the only way I can be. I write them to hold onto you in the only way I can. There aren’t enough words to say what I want or to express the pain I feel. Making you proud is what keeps me holding on through the bad days.
Through the sky and the stars I know you are watching over us. I can’t let you down again, I’ll raise your little brother like I should be raising you. You’ll be on my mind every day, I’ll write all these words and talk too you always. I close my eyes and see your beautiful face, darling daughter I can never forget you. These words will be out there in the world as a constant reminder that I’m holding on to you. Always in my thoughts and forever in my heart.
The struggle is always there and the pain never goes away. Some days it is easier to bare than others. These restless dreams that swirl around my head will always be there.
Why have I decided to share my thoughts and feelings? So that it might help one other parent going through the same. So they know they aren’t alone. So we can help break the stigma and talk about baby loss more openly. I share these words to share Poppy with the world, to show the world how amazing she is.