It feels like you are further away then you’ve been before. Days can go by and I feel you with me, watching over me. I feel close to you. Then days come and the distance between us seems so much bigger than before.
Life is so much different this year compared to last year. We had all the time to visit your grave, do things for you and long to hold you again. Now we have your baby brother to look after and time is filled with him. I feel so guilty at times that I’m not doing things for you as often as I should.
I know you sent us Reuben, our little rainbow. I know you will be looking down on us all but I just wish you were here too.
As each day passes it feels like the land our family is on has split into islands and the sea between them is like a moat keeping us apart. The distance grows bigger and bigger than before. Each day seeing Reuben grow and develop makes it sink in just how much we are missing out on with you. There are islands between us where no islands should be. Nothing should come between a parent and their child. Nothing. There is an empty space next to me where you should be.
The first year without you was hard but year 2 seems ever harder. Last year we missed you and missed all the milestones you should have been hitting. This year it just seems so much more real. While having Reuben is amazing it just brings it home how much we missed out on with you last year.
I just need you so much closer. I need to have you in my arms again. I need to see your face again. I just need to close to everyone again baby girl. I miss you.
The more we take Reuben too, be it soft play or a party we see other kids that are the each you should be. It’s another reminder of what you should be like now, almost hitting your 2 year birthday.
Is there a lack of colour some days, yes. Everyday is a little darker without you here. You’re baby brother filters that darkness with his bright rainbow. But nothing can fill that hole you’ve left.
I can sit here in bed at night and stare at the ambient orange flicker of you brothers GlowEgg wondering what it’s like where you are. Wondering what you’ll be like when I see again. I have to see you again when don’t I? Our souls have to meet again?
I just want you closer like before baby girl. I want you in my arms again Poppy. Daddy misses you so much.
Always in my thoughts, forever in my heart.
I love you