Mothers Day After Loss: A Husband’s Perspective

With Mothers Day fast approaching it has got me thinking back to a year ago. Emily and I were just a few months into what should have been the happiest of our lives. Instead we were heartbroken and now this day was approaching. A day that Emily was dreading, her first Mother’s Day but sadly without Poppy.IMG_2843

Emily is a Mother to not 1 but 2 beautiful children. They didn’t get my looks thank god, they took after their Mum. Sadly though only 1 of our children is here with us. Last year though we had to deal with a very bittersweet Mother’s Day. A day that was reminding both of us that Poppy wasn’t here. After Christmas and my birthday it was the next big “First” we had to navigate.

My heart was breaking all over again. It was breaking over Poppy and breaking over the pain my wife was going through. I just didn’t want to see her so sad and feel like she couldn’t celebrate today. It would never be a joyful celebration but I wanted her to have a Mother’s Day. A day as good as it could be. What was nice was we had found out we were expecting Reuben a few weeks before. IMG_2831We had a light of hope growing inside Emily.

I decided early on that I wanted to make Emily’s first Mother’s Day as special as it could be. We’d had a balloon release at Poppy’s funeral and on such a sad day it was a strangely beautiful moment. It was like I was letting go of some of the pain and it was floating away. I decided that we should do this again on Mother’s Day. I created a little note from Poppy to Emily, her Mum and my Mum. Inviting them to a ballon release at her grave. We like to call it her garden though. Emily loves making it look amazing.

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I told Emily a few weeks before so she knew that despite the pain that I wanted her to have a special day. Poppy wasn’t with us but she is still her Mum, her amazing mum. That needs to be celebrated. What was going to be a hard, difficult day could be made a little easier if I could help it. I wanted her to be ok with us celebrating it. Each Mum going through the loss of a child will react differently. Some will just want to hide away from the day, others will want to do something and whatever you do is ok. We all get through things in our own way.

I think I went out a bought every single Mummy And Me item from Sainsbury’s. I just wanted Emily to feel like a Mum because she is a Mum. It wasn’t as it should be but that can’t take away her right to be Poppy’s Mum, nothing can. I wanted her to feel special and be spoilt like she should be. I just couldn’t let this cruel world deprive her of this day. I knew it was never going to be a good day but if I could just make it that little bit easier and better for Emily then I would. You are already heartbroken at losing a child but it breaks again as you see the woman you love in such pain. I had to make it as good a day as it could be.

I found a beautiful picture on the super Love Unique Personal. It was a beautiful Winnie the Pooh quote that just summed up how I saw Emily and how I know Poppy sees her. It was ordered, I got flowers and we got balloons with Poppy’s name on. I was ready to give Emily the Mother’s Day she deserved. IMG_2818

We’d choose to tell our Mum’s we were expecting Reuben on Mother’s Day too. To shed a little bit of hope and light onto the day. It was a lovely way to tell them and made their day.

I think in the end it wasn’t as bad a day as we thought it would be. It was hard, Poppy should have been there with us. I missed her and I hated seeing Emily sad. I still do, it is so hard

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to see the person you love so sad. Knowing you can’t do anything to help other than be there because you know that’s all you can do. I showered Emily in her gifts and I think she was so grateful to have all the Mummy stuff. I just couldn’t let her not be seen as a Mother because she is, a different kind of Mother to Poppy. A bloody brilliant Mother to Poppy. We kept busy cooking a roast for our Mum’s and then we headed off to see Poppy.

It was a lovely day, weather wise, and the balloon release really made the day special. As special as it could be but it was a good moment on a bittersweet day. I’m so proud of Emily, of how she has dealt with the loss of Poppy on a daily basis. That Mother’s Day I was bursting with admiration and pride. Emily had made it through what could have been a shit day and she did it with such courage and grace.

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This year will be a little different. It will be the second mother’s Day without Poppy but the first with Reuben. It will again be bittersweet and I’m sure a few tears will be shed for Poppy. I’ll get Emily all the Mummy and me things. I’ll get her something special from Poppy, we’ll go and visit Poppy. We’ll have Reuben with us, IMG_6320lighting up the day. It will be hard still of course but I’ll make sure Emily has a good day. She is a special mum and deserves to have day that we can celebrate that.

If this is your first Mother’s Day after loss it will be hard. You need to be there for your wife, partner and be there for each other. Do what you want but never forget you are a Mum, don’t try and hide away from it. It will be hard but you are a special kind of Mum. A Mum that is a real life superhero. You live everyday with the pain of your loss and you get through the day. You are true heroes, truly amazing Mum’s. Not all superheroes wear capes and bereaved Mum’s don’t wear a cape but you are all true superheroes. Happy Mother’s Day to you all.

Emily you are the most amazing Mum to our 2 babies. You show true strength and courage each day and when I see how you are with Roo it just makes me fall in love with you all over again. To see all you do to keep Poppy’s memory alive is so beautiful. You are the best Mummy to our babies.

Happy Mother’s Day Emily love Poppy & Reuben xxxx

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