Every since Poppy died I’ve often thought about sharing my thoughts with the world.
To express the daily pain I feel missing her, the knowledge that the pain will always be there and to offer some kind of help to other fathers or parents going through the heartbreak that is baby loss.
Well now I feel it is my time to talk, my time to share what I’ve been through. To share what I’m still going through and to show others you can somehow find light in the darkness. It is quite fitting that I’m starting this journey on #timetotalk day.
So here it is.
Now all this I’m now going to send out into the world on this blog hasn’t been bottled up. My wife Emily has been my rock over the last 14 months since losing Poppy. I’ve been more honest with her about my feelings because I have had to be.
Hiding and burying the grief you feel DOES make things worse. Now I’m only human damnit. I have at times not spoken up about whats on my mind and I’ve been a bit of a grumpy ass because of that!
But I’ve opened up to Emily or friends and got things off my chest. Even just to vent. Just to let it out. To let out the annoyance of somebody moaning about something ridiculous when I’ve just lost my daughter. Trust me it happens, now they won’t mean it in the way your mind takes it.
When you lose a child you do look at the world in a different way. I see the world through a different lens now. A lens tinted with sadness but now it has a rainbow tint to it since Roo entered our world.
At times I’ve hid the pain I’ve felt over Poppy to be strong for Emily; but it has always come out because it can’t stay inside. It has to come out or it will eat away at you and you won’t be a nice person because of it.
Half way through Roo’s pregnancy I’d not felt myself for a few days. A felt sadder. I brushed over it. Emily had noticed and she’d noticed I was being different. Grumpy! It exploded one Saturday after walking the dog.
“What’s up?” Emily asked.
I didn’t know. I was just down. But I’d not said anything and because of that it had eaten away at me.
Only recently I was finding it hard getting used to being back at work and leaving Reuben and Emily at home. What am I missing? Is he going to bond less with me? Will he hate me for it?
I didn’t open up about this at first and it showed. Once I opened up it felt better. I focused on what I could do to cope better. Emily helped and made sure the time I spend with Roo is the best!
I spoke to Dad friends and got their take on it! We talked, and it helped because taking does help!
Emily and I made a pact to always tell each other if we were having a sad moment about Poppy, a worry during her pregnancy with our Rainbow Reuben or just anything making us feel down.
One day it can just hit me, I can sudden miss Poppy more all of a sudden. While Emily was pregnant with Roo I’d sudden think will he be ok, would he actually come home with us, will I lose Emily this time?
But fighting the urge to just forget this feelings or thoughts I’d tell Emily. She will hug me, talk to me and just make me feel better.
Grief happens in waves, it really is true. One day you’ll be calm and somehow be dealing with the hole in your heart, the worries of parenting not just a baby but a rainbow baby.
Then BANG!!!! It’ll hit you! Like a wave! A sudden rush of tears, worries or just utter sadness.
When that wave comes ride it out but not alone, open up to someone. Emily and I are stronger together. We can deal with these feeling together.
I love my wife even more now since losing Poppy. We have grown closer and closer. I feared we could become one of those couples that would end up breaking up due to the pain of losing a child. But expressed those fears to each other, we talked to each other.
You have to talk!
Now I’ve only just felt ready to open up my feelings with the wider baby loss community and the blogging world. But thats ok because I’ve been able to talk to my incredible wife. I found my road to take, now the road has gone down blog lane.
We can’t do it by ourselves, we need people around us. A partner, family, friends, health care professionals. Whatever help you can get, take it.
There is no shame in admitting your feelings. No shame in saying I live with a constant hole in my heart that went missing the second Poppy died.
Just talk, it’s ok to talk!